Luke Upward Composes An Honest Company Mission Statement

Luke Upward detested all company mission statements, put out (in his words) by “Uriah Heep companies trying to pretend they are the Cheeryble Brothers.” He composed spontaneously the following honest mission statement, which no company has yet had the courage to use:

“Our mission is to make money. For this reason, we buy at the lowest prices and sell at the highest prices which we can extort from our markets. If we do anything different, it is because we are required to by law or because it might harm our competitors or to induce customers to pay more for our products by experiencing a cosy glow of virtue.

“In pursuit of our mission we will, as necessary or convenient to us, and unless restrained by statute, regulation or the fear of litigation:

1) demonstrate extreme recklessness towards the environment or cause actual damage thereto, consume trees or plants without renewing them, use packaging which will not be bio-degradable, and if burnt, emit noxious fumes which will travel to the upper atmosphere and do there such things, what they are we know not, yet they shall be the terrors of the Earth;
2) demonstrate extreme recklessness towards human or animal health or actual damage thereto;
3) produce in the lowest-cost, least-regulated labour markets, and use the labour of children or unpaid prisoners;
4) test products on animals (including cute, furry ones with big eyes) because we don’t have to pay them and they cannot sue us;
5) make spurious claims for our products;
6) use the smallest permitted print and the least descriptive wording in warning labels or exclusion clauses;
7) promote and sell products in any market which will receive them even if they have been banned in other markets;
eight not unwanted smiley face) suborn academic researchers and journalists to promote our products or suppress evidence of the harm they cause, and suffocate those who are critical;
9) suborn legislators and regulators in any country or international body who might threaten the sale of our products;
10) eliminate competitors.”

08. April 2013 by rkh
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