Slakrzz Inc Part 2

Two young slackers, Jeremy and Timothy, shortened in Slackermode to J and T, have created a business exploiting the special talents for loafing of people like themselves. Two young women, Helen and Laura, have applied to the business to add essential skills in accountancy and marketing. Laura has come up with a good business name.

SLAKRZZZ Incorporated. J and T are taken with it – and with Helen and Laura. They excuse themselves for a second. They decide to offer them continued discussion over dinner. They have instant meals ready to test. Not good enough. They could send out for takeaway. Not good enough. They invite them to a smart local restaurant. Helen and Laura accept. J and T phone for an Uber. Helen and Laura say it is a nice evening. Why don’t they walk? J and T look at them and then at each other. Suddenly abandoning their lifelong philosophy, they agree that it would be nice to walk.

Over a romantic walk and dinner, the two couples start to connect and bond. J and T are baffled why two such talented people as Helen and Laura would want to work for a slacker business. Helen says it’s financially sound, a great service offering, strong cash flow, no borrowing. Laura says it’s unique in the labour market. Both say it’s an ethical business. It gives jobs to people who do them well and would be unhappy in “normal” jobs, education or training. It frees those “normal” opportunities for people who really want them. They both like the way the business is run, and the people who run it. Stunned, J and T hire them.

They give the business – and J and T – a makeover. It moves out of J’s home into a proper office in a tall building. (The two mothers still keep it spotless with the vacuum cleaners.) A few “demonstration slackers” are kept on at the new headquarters for presentations to clients, but most of the old crowd are relocated to a “slacker warehouse” on the outskirts.

Helen incorporates the business as Slakrzzz Inc, with shares for each retained slacker. The four are directors. She institutes a proper reporting system. They hold detailed board meetings to discuss the results. J and T are denied any romance until they have been through all the agenda and analysed all that “numbers stuff.”

J and T discover the merits of this approach when Helen solves a mystery: why the fish minding division’s profits are way down. The business is being scammed by cheats putting through vast fake invoices for fish food. Each fish client is apparently getting through a hundred pounds of the stuff each day.

J and T are re-styled in a smartly casual wardrobe from the Ultimate Slob’s fashion house. Laura procures them a huge round of media opportunities and speaking events.

The two slackers-turned-directors are exhausted. They are working far harder than they ever would in a conventional job. The women suggest a vacation. J and T grumble that their vacations have always been hard work. They have been put under constant pressure to leave their hotel to look at stuff, or eat stuff, or buy stuff. Of course this generates a new idea for the business – slacker vacations, with no obligations of that kind. Any sightseeing can be done by moving car or even helicopter, fine local cuisine and artefacts are sent in. A special service will fake selfies for slackers in front of major attractions, and will give them notes about them which they can use to describe their experience for anyone back home.

Of course this new business takes off but generates more work.

The worst feature of the new office is sharing the elevators with the employees of an obnoxious mega-business, the Driven Corporation. They hold continuous conversations with each other or over mobile phones, filled with management jargon and plans for acquisitions, restructuring and financial engineering. The foundation of Driven’s business is supplying contingent temporary labour in short-term dead-end jobs at minimum wage. Exactly the sort of jobs that slackers are desperate to escape.

Through casual contact in the elevator and J’s and T’s new media profile Driven become aware of Slakrzzz Inc. They soon realize its strengths in finance and branding. They try to take it over. This begins with a charm offensive, although J and T are instantly repelled by Driven’s jargon, especially the suggestion that the two businesses are perfectly placed to “leverage their synergies going forward.”

The charm offensive fails and Driven make a huge offer for Slakrzzz stock. More and more stockholders are tempted but the four principals stand firm. They take repeated phone calls from Driven, who raise their offer. J and T (as at the beginning) wish they would get off their back. A new offer comes in and Helen suggests it will be impossible to resist.

The phone rings again. J and T give orders to ignore it. The same when it rings again and again. Of course it is Driven, angrily raising their offer. Finally they threaten to walk away.

The next message confirms this. The four have beaten a hostile takeover by a giant corporation by the basic slacker technique of not answering the phone.

Slackrzzz is saved. And Driven have lost so much focus with their obsession with acquiring it that they themselves succumb to a hostile takeover. Their top people are fired and their office space in the building is vacated.

Slackrzzz take over some of that space, for use by the four directors. They restructure the business with themselves as a Strategy Board. They hire efficient people to handle the numbers and the other boring stuff, while they give out directives from couches in the new executive suites.

A double wedding. A guard of honour for both couples with raised vacuum cleaners. When switched on, they play the Wedding March. Then a double honeymoon in the enchanting Equatorial islands of Sāo Tomé e Príncipe in the Atlantic Ocean. It is Slacker Heaven – beauty everywhere without having to look for it and a way of life based on “léve-léve” (approximate translation “no worries, do it tomorrow”).

07. October 2021 by rkh
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