Luke Upward’s Drinking and Driving Video
Pursuing his theory that drink-drivers should be made to feel ridiculous, Luke Upward wrote the following video for the Ministry of Transport, suggesting that drink can turn genius into David Brent….
EXT. LORDS CRICKET GROUND. DAY
Wide-angle view of Lords Cricket ground. A match about to start, with a full bowling side, two batsmen, two umpires.
No crowd except a few scientists in white coats, with various measuring instruments, and an array of camera operators.
Then ON Henry Blofeld in the commentary box.
HENRY BLOFELD
Good morning, everybody, this is
Henry Blofeld, welcoming you to Lords,
where a brown pigeon has just circled
the square or should I say, squared
the circle? We’re about to watch a
unique single-wicket competition,
sponsored by [insert name] which is
also a scientific experiment.
Repeat wide-angle view of Lords, for a beat.
HENRY BLOFELD (CONT’D)
The experiment will measure reaction
times before and after the taking of
alcohol, especially when it comes to
driving. Taking part as a batsman
in the single-wicket competition is
England’s Kevin Pietersen.
ON Kevin Pietersen at the batting crease, taking guard, no helmet so we can see his face, with an easy smile.
HENRY BLOFELD (CONT’D)
The bowler is David Brent, from the
Pavilion end.
ON David Brent from The Office, in cricket whites. He waves.
HENRY BLOFELD (CONT’D)
Our scorer Malcolm passes me a note
to say that David Brent has a lifetime
bowling average of 81.34 in the
Swindon Interoffice League. Best
figures of 1-62 against the Wyvern
Under-Elevens. Brent holds up play
to make some last-minute adjustments
to his field. Always very precise
in his field placings.
ON David Brent, making pompous signals.
HENRY BLOFELD (CONT’D)
At last he’s ready. Brent to
Pietersen, easy two pace run-up.
ON Brent bowling to Pietersen, from behind Brent.
HENRY BLOFELD (CONT’D)
No great pace, ball of full length…
ON Pietersen hitting a massive straight drive for six.
HENRY BLOFELD (CONT’D)
Straight drive from Pietersen. My
goodness me, that’s gone a long way.
ON the ball, comfortably clearing the Pavilion.
HENRY BLOFELD (CONT’D)
That has cleared the Pavilion by a
long way and it’s bounced on the
roof and there’s a red double-decker
bus passing, I think it’s an 82,
southbound, and the ball …good
gracious, if I’m not mistaken it’s
landed in an upper window. That was
a mighty hit, almost certainly the
biggest hit at Lord’s, possibly the
biggest in the history of the world.
ON Brent, looking aggrieved.
BRENT
Ugly shot, really. Not very
professional. I did him in the
flight.
HENRY BLOFELD (O.S.)
While they’re looking for the ball,
time to look at the shot again, with
Geoffrey Boycott.
Slow motion replay.
GEOFF BOYCOTT (O.S.)
Pretty ordinary delivery, the sort
of thing my granny bowls, and it
gets the treatment from Kevin
Pietersen. He is totally in control.
Doesn’t need much power, just timing.
Absolutely perfect timing.
HENRY BLOFELD (O.S.)
And while they’re searching for the
ball outside the ground, we are going
to take a drinks break.
INT. THE TAVERN BAR AT LORDS. DAY
On Brent and Pietersen at the bar, chatting.
BRENT
I was asked to turn professional,
but I had to give priority to my
business career. Orange juice,
please, and what about you, KP?
PIETERSEN
Pint, please.
ON the bar, where barman delivers an orange juice and a pint of beer. Each man takes his drink.
ON the bar, where Brent is holding forth to a bored Pietersen. Each holds an empty glass.
BRENT
We have loads of laughs in our office.
Can’t help it, I’m just a natural
entertainer. Same again?
PIETERSEN
(now desperately bored)
Same again…
ON the bar, where barman delivers another orange juice and another pint of bitter.
HENRY BLOFELD (O.S.)
They are still looking for the ball,
so the drinks break is extended.
ON the bar, repeat of Brent holding forth to the captive Pietersen.
BRENT
So, KP, when your cricket career’s
all washed up, don’t hesitate to
send me your CV. Glad to take a
look – when I’m not partying!
HENRY BLOFELD (O.S.)
I’m told that they finally retrieved
the ball from the 82 bus at Marble
Arch, so the contest will resume.
EXT. LORD’S CRICKET GROUND. DAY.
Repeat wide-angle view of the match, briefly. Then ON Pietersen, about to bat, smile just a little bit crooked.
ON Brent, again pompously waving his field around.
HENRY BLOFELD (O.S.)
Brent finally satisfied with his
field. Bowls again to Pietersen.Identical delivery.
HENRY BLOFELD (CONT’D)
Full length, no great pace. Pietersen launches another straight drive.
Pietersen misses and is bowled. ON Pietersen’s astonished face. ON Brent, cock-a-hoop, as Pietersen walks away from the shattered stumps.
HENRY BLOFELD (CONT’D)
And he’s bowled him! Middle stump.
Pietersen bowled Brent, six. Let’s
see that again, with Geoff Boycott.
Slow motion replay of second ball.
GEOFF BOYCOTT (O.S.)
That was exactly the same delivery
as the first. It was there to be
driven and Pietersen tries to repeat
that perfect straight drive. But he
just lost control, his timing was
completely gone. He gave his wicket
away, but it’s in the scorebook.
Pietersen bowled by Brent.
ON Henry Blofeld.
HENRY BLOFELD
So there it is. Scientific proof
that you cannot drink and drive.
